“Inspired” by Apple

Given, allegedly, how few, allegedly, units were, allegedly, sold, one is invited to consider how many “units” of this appropriately named guide were “shipped”.

Submit a link to your unboxing video (or a video you’ve seen) here. I will add snark.

We noted today, via The Macalope, that a Mr Evilneuro has created a website that generates amusing faux-punditry on Apple products. It’s very clever. And very funny. And sounds like something we’ve done.

This will not do.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

”“Inspired” by Apple has invested substantial resources in research and development through the months, which has resulted in numerous patented inventions of technology that other companies have not yet licensed. These technologies are the foundation of our business that engages over 700  unique visitors and represent the spirit of innovation upon which the “Inspired” by Apple group of companies is built. Unfortunately, the matter with Pundit-Matic™ 3000 remains unresolved and we are compelled to seek redress in federal court. We are confident that we will prevail.”

At “Inspired” by Apple, we take the protection of our brand seriously. For over two months now, we have been the undisputed market leaders in the curation of photos of Apple-inspired products from well-known family names such as Samsung, HTC, Samsung again, some other jerks, and Samsung. Our EasySnark generation system (patent pending) has delivered joy and happiness to literally several people. We’re proud of our work.

Our unique value proposition has also included the advanced web-technologies found in Trollem Ipsum and Apple Keynote Bingo. We are at the forefront of single-serve geek jokes. We’re proud of our work.

It is no secret that we are in the midst of a challenging economic climate. Businesses are failing - just last week, that nice liquor store we used to go to closed, such a shame, and such a nice man that worked there too - and revenues are down. We’re proud of our work.

In particular, Trollem Ipsum has faced unique challenges, which as all analysts know, really means that we are totally and utterly screwed - battling against upstarts in the meme industry, Trollem Ipsum has seen visitor numbers decline from an early high (although we note, with some surprise, an upsurge on Sunday. No idea what that’s all about). We’re proud of our work.

Trollem Ipsum’s unique business model has proved difficult to sustain in the current climate. In particular, we note that simply making a joke website has generated approximately no profit, and will, indeed, lead to a small loss, primarily because David should have been working instead of coding it. His disciplinary is scheduled for next week.

The Board of Trollem Ipsum belatedly realise that they should have adopted the two pronged “thrust to financial success” - firstly, to plaster the site in sexually explicit adverts, and secondly, to ensure that the site was used by men to get laid, a la Facebook, Twitter, Grindr or Chatroulette (the so-called Rule 69d of the web - “any new technology will be used to find sex however tenuous the application”). The two revenue streams would not have been mutually exclusive.

The Board of Trollem Ipsum are distressed, dismayed, disappointed and other passive-aggressive ways of saying “really quite angry” that Pundit-Matic™ 3000, a new website built by @evilneuro to provide auto-generated punditry on Apple products appears to be built on the Trollem Ipsum foundation of a neat website and a clever joke.

We still think that we’ve great offerings for people.

And so, given the challenges faced by the economic climate, and in the absence of a co-branded licensing agreement, in the manner of a dying bumblebee frantically attempting to half-heartedly sting anything in its path, the Board of Trollem Ispum have today launched a patent lawsuit against Evilneuro. We recognise that this means we’re screwed, but hopefully someone will come along reasonably quickly and buy us, saving everyone the embarrassment. CrunchFund, we’re waiting for your call.

The Board of Trollem Ipsum will strongly, vigorously, passionately, and sensually defend their patents. Because, like, you know, we did it first. 

SEE YOU IN THE PLAYGROUND…WE MEAN IN COURT. IN COURT. BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS.

Updated: Evilneuro responds in very Scottish fashion. We are taking advice.

I can only assume Samsung had nothing to announce. Apple fanbois, the lot of them.

I figured that what we probably needed for Wednesday is a scorecard for Apple Keynote Bingo. We hope you like it. We’d like to show it to you. So here it is. 

Don’t forget to read the rules. And - why not - a hashtag, #AppleKeynoteBingo.

Thanks, as before, to David Moss for interpreting my requests for it to be “a bit more…you know…so that it…you know…” into actual code and design. Myriad Pro was my choice, though. It just works. Extra thanks to Gareth for additional testing and some *superb* additional snark.

Before you start moaning. Yes, I know this has been done before - Charles Arthur at The Grauniad did it back in 2005, John Siracusa did an unsurprisingly terrifyingly comprehensive version in 2006, and there are a couple more. I think ours is the best, if only because I’ve been going “Eeep!” every few minutes since we started.

I really should get a job.

This is kind of off topic but there is nothing that makes me LOL more consistently and thoroughly than a puff piece on Apple rumours. So join me, as I explain, in true linkbait fashion, the five reasons why this piece from the International Business Times (“New iPhone 5 Release Date: 5 Ways it Will Beat the 4S”) is worst thing I have ever read on the internet:

1. Photoshop mock-up

This image is brilliant. A quick browse of CiccareseDesign’s website reveals an organisation solely devoted to designing things that look like Apple products. Samsung should hire them immediately.

Don’t miss their mock-up of the new “Apple TV iScreen” where there is even an option for you to pay for a 3D model file of it by PayPal.

2. Language as an impediment to understanding

“I”BA doesn’t pretend to be the world’s finest wordsmith, but really, this is something else. In International Business Times World “rumors accelerate” (how is this possible?), a change to the release date of the iPhone 5 (as to which, see below) “may” mean we have to wait longer (logically, this would be correct, assuming that the release date was later), and a bigger display is on the “rumor cards” (where can one get hold of these “rumor cards”?).

The IBT staffer (like The Economist columnists, or Alan Smithee, anonymous) obviously took the view that punctuation IS FOR LOSERS or for people that don’t like the English language.

3. Products that don’t exist

iPad 3. iPhone 5. iOS 6. A6. Duke Nukem Forever. The Phantom.

4. The headline

If there isn‘t one already, someone should make a single-serve website that generates SEO-friendly headlines on any given topic. Which leads us to… 

5. S.E.O. (a.ka. “Is this the Future of Internet Journalism? 12 Reasons Why”)

The whole thing is so wonderfully optimised that it barely makes any sense. But no matter. This is what “The Internet” mostly looks like now anyway - by next year, the top half of every single thing online will be a gif of a kitten in a basket with word “iPhone” pasted repeatedly into the caption, while the comments section will consist of 103 entries of “Apple”, “Android” or “Justin Bieber”.

I weep for humanity.

(image from International Business Times)