“Inspired” by Apple

I figured that what we probably needed for Wednesday is a scorecard for Apple Keynote Bingo. We hope you like it. We’d like to show it to you. So here it is. 

Don’t forget to read the rules. And - why not - a hashtag, #AppleKeynoteBingo.

Thanks, as before, to David Moss for interpreting my requests for it to be “a bit more…you know…so that it…you know…” into actual code and design. Myriad Pro was my choice, though. It just works. Extra thanks to Gareth for additional testing and some *superb* additional snark.

Before you start moaning. Yes, I know this has been done before - Charles Arthur at The Grauniad did it back in 2005, John Siracusa did an unsurprisingly terrifyingly comprehensive version in 2006, and there are a couple more. I think ours is the best, if only because I’ve been going “Eeep!” every few minutes since we started.

I really should get a job.

This is kind of off topic but there is nothing that makes me LOL more consistently and thoroughly than a puff piece on Apple rumours. So join me, as I explain, in true linkbait fashion, the five reasons why this piece from the International Business Times (“New iPhone 5 Release Date: 5 Ways it Will Beat the 4S”) is worst thing I have ever read on the internet:

1. Photoshop mock-up

This image is brilliant. A quick browse of CiccareseDesign’s website reveals an organisation solely devoted to designing things that look like Apple products. Samsung should hire them immediately.

Don’t miss their mock-up of the new “Apple TV iScreen” where there is even an option for you to pay for a 3D model file of it by PayPal.

2. Language as an impediment to understanding

“I”BA doesn’t pretend to be the world’s finest wordsmith, but really, this is something else. In International Business Times World “rumors accelerate” (how is this possible?), a change to the release date of the iPhone 5 (as to which, see below) “may” mean we have to wait longer (logically, this would be correct, assuming that the release date was later), and a bigger display is on the “rumor cards” (where can one get hold of these “rumor cards”?).

The IBT staffer (like The Economist columnists, or Alan Smithee, anonymous) obviously took the view that punctuation IS FOR LOSERS or for people that don’t like the English language.

3. Products that don’t exist

iPad 3. iPhone 5. iOS 6. A6. Duke Nukem Forever. The Phantom.

4. The headline

If there isn‘t one already, someone should make a single-serve website that generates SEO-friendly headlines on any given topic. Which leads us to… 

5. S.E.O. (a.ka. “Is this the Future of Internet Journalism? 12 Reasons Why”)

The whole thing is so wonderfully optimised that it barely makes any sense. But no matter. This is what “The Internet” mostly looks like now anyway - by next year, the top half of every single thing online will be a gif of a kitten in a basket with word “iPhone” pasted repeatedly into the caption, while the comments section will consist of 103 entries of “Apple”, “Android” or “Justin Bieber”.

I weep for humanity.

(image from International Business Times)

More on this, courtesy of balanced-viewpoint-mongers The Verge (emphasis mine):

Even after the aforementioned BIOS update, though, you’re not going to want to play games without a cord: starting at 50 percent battery, we only managed 20 minutes of Battlefield 3 before the Blade told us that our juice was running out.

5.9. Dropping to 0.8 in 20 minutes time.

(image from The Verge)