“Inspired” by Apple

What we know about the iPhone 5: Rumours round-up and your new Apple Keynote Bingo playing card

1. The best iPhone yet!

2. A new dock connector. Possibly. And the headphone socket is in a different place. Maybe. This stuff is important.

3. A screen that, due to some more pixels, or possibly witchcraft, is bigger than before. I know. Incredible, isn’t it.

4. A multiplier more faster!

5. Thinner than YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.

6. Something something something catching up with Android something something.

7. Better camera for Republican senators to take photos of their “gerrymanders” and then post them on Grindr, to then claim that they were “just looking for an Aerobie partner”.

8. Can kill a man with its bare hands.

9. Chops, peels, slices and dices all in one!

10. Does exactly what it says on the tin.

11. Will sleep with your wife, given half a chance.

12. Will sleep with your mother, and won’t even ask.

13. Makes you stunningly attractive to members of your preferred sex (this is Apple - some of you are bound to be gay.)

14. Separates and lifts, giving the impression of size.

15. More droppable then ever before.

At least one of these might be true. You can find more at the new and improved Apple Keynote Bingo. Don’t forget to read the instructions.